Starbucks employee: ...And the name for this order?
Me: Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North
Starbucks employee: Yes, I know who you are
Me: Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North
Starbucks employee: Yes, I know who you are
Lisa: I can’t believe we got double English.
Lauren: English is well dry.
Lisa: I don’t see what’s so great about readin’ anyways.
Lauren: Nah readin’s for LOSERS!
Lisa: Innit though. At least we’ got a new teacher today.
Lauren: Yeah right that’ll be a laugh won’t it.
(MR. LOGAN enters)
Mr. Logan: Morning.
Class: Aaaaalright
Mr. Logan: As I’m sure youre aware, my name is Mr. Logan. I’m your new English teacher. Nice to meet you all. I hope you’re all ready to get to grips with some Elizabethan literature. Let’s all turn to page 53 in our poetry textbooks and we’ll dive straight in with the Bard himself.
Lauren: Sir?
Mr. Logan: Yeh?
Lauren: Are you English, sir?
Mr. Logan: No, I’m Sottish.
Lauren: So you ain’t English, then.
Mr. Logan: No, I’m British.
Lauren: So you ain’t English, then.
Mr. Logan: No, I’m not. But as you can see, I do speak English.
Lauren: But I can’t understand what you’re saying, sir.
Mr. Logan: Well clearly you can.
Lauren: Sorry, are you talking Scottish now?
Mr. Logan: No, I’m talking English.
Lauren: Right. Don’t sound like it.
Mr. Logan: Okay, whatever you want. Now, let’s get on with Shakespeare.
Lauren: I don’t think youre qualified to teach us English.
Mr. Logan: I am perfectly qualified to teach English.
Lauren: I don’t think you are though.
Mr. Logan: You don’t have to be English to teach it.
Lauren: Right. Have we got double English or double Scottish?
Mr. Logan: Is your name Lauren Cooper by any chance?
Lauren: Yeh. Why?
Mr. Logan: Your reputation preceeds you.
Lauren: Innit though!
Mr. Logan: So, Shakespeare’s sonnets.
Lauren: Sir.
Mr. Logan: A sonnet is a poem…
Lauren: Sir.
Mr. Logan: …written in 14 lines…
Lauren: Sir?
Mr. Logan: …the last two of which…
Lauren: Sir?
Mr. Logan: …must form a rhyming couplet…
Lauren: Sir? Sir?
Mr. Logan: Yes Lauren?!
Lauren: Can I ahks you a question?
Mr. Logan: Not just now.
Lauren: Can I ahks you a question though?
Mr. Logan: Just wait.
Lauren: But can I just ahks you a question? I only want to ahks you a question. Can I ahks you question I’m just ahksing you a question can I ahkssss you a questionnnnn?
Mr. Logan: What is it.
Lauren: Are you the Doctor?
Mr. Logan: Doctor who?
Lisa and Lauren: INNIT THOUGH
Mr. Logan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Lauren: You look like Doctor Who though!
Mr. Logan: I’m not Doctor Who, I’m your English teacher!
Lauren: I don’t think you are though.
Mr. Logan: Lauren—
Lauren: I think you’re a 945-year-old Time Lord!
Mr. Logan: Listen—
Lauren: Did you just pitch up from Mars?
Mr. Logan: Don’t be ridiculous.
Lauren: You know your house, right?
Mr. Logan: What?
Lauren: You know your house?
Mr. Logan: Yeah…
Lauren: Is it bigger on the inside?
Mr. Logan: Be quiet.
Lauren: Did you park the TARDIS on a meter?
Mr. Logan: Can we please get back to Shakespeare? Thank you! So…
Lauren: Do you fancy Billie Piper, sir?
Mr. Logan: Right. You are the most insolent child I have ever had the misfortune to teach.
Lauren: Thank you.
Mr. Logan: You’re pointless, repetitious, and extremely dull.
Lauren: Bit like Shakespeare.
Mr. Logan: You are not even worthy to mention his name! William Shakes— William Shakespeare was a genius! You, little madam, are definitely not. Now just sit there, keep your mouth shut, or I will fail you in this whole module right now!
Lauren: Amst I bovveréd?
Mr. Logan: What?
Lauren: Amst I bovveréd, forsooth?
Mr. Logan: Lauren—
Lauren: Looketh at my face.
Mr. Logan: I don’t—-
Lauren: Looketh at my face!
Mr. Logan: Stop it.
Lauren: Is this a bovveréd face thou seest before thee?
Mr. Logan: Right, I’m calling your parents.
Lauren: ARE YOU DISRESPECTING THE HOUSE OF COOPER? Art thou calling my mother a pox-ridden wench?
Mr. Logan: No…
Lauren: Art thou calling my father a goodly rotten apple?
Mr. Logan: Lauren—
Lauren: But he ain’t even a goodly rotten apple!
Mr. Logan: Listen to me.
Lauren: But he ain’t even a goodly rotten apple though!
Mr. Logan: That’s enough!
Lauren: Faceth.
Mr. Logan: Lauren—
Lauren (together): Bovveréd. Looketh. Looketh. My leige. My leige. My leige. Faceth. Bovveréd. You take the high road and I’ll take the low road…
Mr. Logan (together): Lauren, enough! Stop! That’s it! Enough! Stop, please! Enough! No… Stop it! That’s it!
Lauren: I ain’t even bovvered. I ain’t bovvered! Look. Face. Bovvered. Bovveréd. Face. Bovveréd. I ain’t even bovveréd. My leige. I be not bovveréd, forsooth. I be not bovveréd. Face. Bovvered. I ain’t even bovvered. Shakespeare. Sonnets. I ain’t even bovvered. My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun. Coral is far more red than her lips’ red. If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun. If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head. I have seen roses damask’d red and white, but no such roses see I in her cheeks. And in some perfume is there more delight than in the breath that from my mistress reeks. I love to hear her speak yet well I know that music hath a far more pleasing sound. I grant I never saw a goddess go. My mistress when she walks treads on the ground. And yet by Heaven I think my love as rare as any she belied with false compare. BITE ME, ALIEN BOY!
(MR. LOGAN points Sonic Screwdriver at LAUREN, turning her into a Rose Tyler action figure)
Mr. Logan: That’s better. A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Lauren: I STILL AIN’T BOVVERED!